so question... is it bad if I wouldn't date someone who is transgender, even though I respect them and support them fully? i'm happy to be friends with them, but i honestly want to have a partner with a cis penis, because i want to be able to have biological kids with my partner. i feel bad because i support trans* people, and i know i could be attracted to them as a person and based on their outward appearance, but i just like cis penises..
Ok so a million people have answered this question before me, and I’m sure you have a feeling in your gut that you already know the answer or you wouldn’t have asked it.
Yes, it is bad. And that’s honestly for a lot of reasons beyond just the principle of the thing.
What is a cis penis? You keep saying cis penis, but that’s not a thing. A penis doesn’t have a gender, so it can’t have the same gender it was assigned at birth.
All kinds of people have penises. Cis men, trans men, trans women, non-binary folks, intersex people. So if you’re into flesh-and-blood penises (which I guess is what you mean?) then you can still date all kinds of people! It sounds like your ONLY criteria is a penis, so that means you can date any of the people listed above.
Having biological kids with your partner - so lets say that you refuse to date anyone but cis men, and you end up with Jim Bob the Cis Man. You both want kids, you love each other, you get married, and start trying for a family. What happens if it turns out that Jim Bob is not fertile? Will you divorce him? You can have biological kids that are related to both of you with your eggs and his cis brother’s sperm. Just like you could if you decided to marry a trans man. Not to mention that if you partnered with a trans woman with a penis & testicles & viable semen, you could get pregnant as well!
Here’s the thing. No one is going to be sitting inside your brain shouting “transphobe!!!” every time you think about not being interested in trans people. So fine - if that’s what’s happening in your head, no one can stop you or change how you feel.
BUT. BUT. Saying that kind of stuff out loud, proudly proclaiming that you don’t date trans people, is extremely harmful.
Let’s say someone is reading this. Maybe it’s a trans-masculine non-binary person. What they’re hearing is that you aren’t even interested in who they are, what they look like - just because of something out of their control you’re planning to totally refuse to engage with them. It makes them feel unworthy, unlovable. Hearing that over & over is terrible.
On dating sites you’ll always end up running into someone’s profile where they say “no asians” or “no blacks” - and while racism and transphobia are not the same thing, they function in a similar fashion here. I can’t force the person saying “no asians” to date a Japanese person, but neither would I want to. I can only force them to be outwardly respectful towards all Asian people, and that means not blasting that stuff out publicly.
Don’t be an ass. Do what you want to when it comes to who you let touch your stuff, but remember that there are probably a lot of trans folks that you see every day without realizing that they’re trans. The guy you were flirting with in your math class or at the bard the other day could very well be trans, and you would have no idea until the two of you decided to get it on and instead of using a flesh penis, he uses a silicone penis.
Let your heart be open, and commit yourself to improving the world around you by decreasing the amount of racism & transphobia you see in it. You’ll be fine.
